“I used to be so fit.”
“I look at photos from five years ago and barely recognise myself.”
“My friend is the same age as me and she still runs marathons. What’s wrong with me?”
Do these thoughts sound familiar? If so, you’re caught in what I call the “midlife comparison trap” – a mental pattern that keeps countless women from moving forward with the self care they desperately need.
As a strength coach working exclusively with women in perimenopause, I hear these comparisons daily. Women comparing themselves to their younger selves, to friends who seem to be ageing differently, to influencers on social media who appear to have cracked the code on defying midlife changes.
This constant comparison doesn’t just feel bad – it actively prevents women from taking the very actions that would help them feel better in the bodies they have now.
The Three Comparisons Holding You Back
1. Comparing to Your Former Self
“I used to be able to run 10k without thinking about it,” my client Diane told me during our first coaching call. “Now my legs burn going up the stairs. I feel like my body has betrayed me.”
This comparison to your younger self is perhaps the most painful. You remember what it felt like to move with ease, to recover quickly, to have seemingly boundless energy. The contrast with how you feel right now can feel like grief – because it is. You’re grieving a relationship with your body that has fundamentally changed.
2. Comparing to Others Your Age
“My sister is two years older than me and she’s still wearing the same jeans from a decade ago,” shared my client Rebecca. “Meanwhile, I can’t seem to stop this middle spreading no matter what I do. We have the same genes – why is her experience so different?”
This comparison ignores the countless variables that influence how women experience perimenopause: genetics, stress levels, sleep quality, past medical history, childbirth experiences, and countless other factors that aren’t immediately visible.
3. Comparing to Curated Images
The sneakiest of comparisons is to the carefully filtered and selected images we see on social media – women in midlife who seem to have discovered the secret to ageing without any of the challenges you’re experiencing.
What these images don’t show: what’s going on in their lives that they’re not choosing to share, the specific advantages they might have, or the simple fact that perimenopause affects each woman differently and on a different timeline.
Why Starting Exercise Feels Threatening
“I’m afraid to start exercising again,” my client Jennifer admitted. “I’m afraid I’ll try, realise how much fitness I’ve lost, and just feel worse about myself.”
This fear is completely understandable. When your identity has been partially built around physical capabilities you no longer have, engaging with exercise can feel like confronting a loss rather than building something new.
The prospect of moving your changing body when you remember how it used to feel can trigger:
- Frustration at diminished capabilities
- Shame about physical changes
- Grief for your younger self
- Fear that you’ll never feel strong or capable again
These emotions are valid – but they don’t have to be the end of your story.
The Breakthrough Mindset Shift
My client Catherine had a breakthrough on our third Coaching Call. “I realised I’ve been asking the wrong question,” she told me. “I’ve been asking ‘How do I get my old body back?’ when I should have been asking ‘How do I make friends with the body I have now?'”
This shift – from recovering the past to building a new relationship with your present body – changes everything.
It opens the door to approaching movement not as a way to reclaim what’s been lost, but as a way to discover what’s possible now.
The Liberation of Starting Fresh
There’s a unique freedom in starting fresh – in approaching strength training not as someone trying to recapture past glory, but as someone discovering new capabilities.
“When I finally let go of who I used to be, I actually started enjoying movement again,” my client Sarah shared. “I stopped comparing my current self to my 30-year-old self and just focused on what felt good today.”
This letting go isn’t giving up. It’s redirecting your precious energy from an impossible task (turning back time) to an empowering one (building strength and vitality in the body you have now).
How to Break Free from the Comparison Trap
1. Practice Conscious Media Consumption
Be intentional about who you follow on social media. Seek out women who are sharing authentic midlife journeys rather than those promoting unrealistic standards. Follow accounts that celebrate strength at all ages rather than peddling the myth that the only good body is a young body.
2. Adopt Measurement Methods That Serve You
Rather than focusing exclusively on aesthetic changes or comparing performance to your younger self, track metrics that reflect your current priorities:
- Energy levels throughout the day
- Sleep quality
- Mood stability
- Functional strength for daily activities
- Confidence in your physical capabilities
These measurements honour where you are now and track progress that actually matters in your daily life.
3. Find Your Community
Surround yourself with women who are navigating similar transitions. Whether through in-person connections or online communities, sharing experiences with others who understand can help normalise your journey and provide perspective when the comparison trap looms.
4. Create a New Movement Identity
Instead of trying to reclaim your former athletic identity, consider creating a new one that honours your current season of life:
- If you were once a competitive runner, perhaps you become a mindful walker who appreciates the meditative aspects of movement
- If you were a group exercise enthusiast, perhaps you discover the focused concentration of strength training
- If you prided yourself on intense workouts, perhaps you explore the subtle power of consistent, moderate movement
This isn’t settling – it’s evolving.
Starting Where You Are: The 3-Step Approach
If you’re hesitant to begin exercising because you fear it will just highlight what you’ve lost, try this gentle approach that has helped hundreds of my clients move past comparison paralysis:
Step 1: Movement Inventory
Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, create an inventory of movements that feel good in your body right now. These might be as simple as certain stretches, walking on flat surfaces, or basic strength movements. The key is identifying motion that connects you positively with your body rather than triggering comparison.
Step 2: Celebration Practice
Begin each movement session by acknowledging what your body makes possible in your life. Perhaps it allows you to hug your children, tend your garden, or carry your groceries. This practice of gratitude shifts focus from what’s been lost to what remains – which is actually quite remarkable.
Step 3: Progressive Success
Start with movements that guarantee success rather than risking failure. Begin with weights that feel manageable, durations that don’t exhaust you, and expectations that match your current reality. Experience the satisfaction of completing what you set out to do, then build gradually from there.
This approach creates a foundation of positive experiences that can gradually replace the comparison narrative with one of discovery and appreciation.
The Unexpected Joy of Starting Again
“I never thought I’d say this,” my client Alexandra told me after six months of consistent strength training, “but I’m actually enjoying the process of getting to know this new body. It’s different than my younger body, yes, but it has its own wisdom and capabilities I never would have discovered if I’d kept focusing on the past.”
Many women discover that when they finally release the grip of comparison, they find unexpected joy in building a new relationship with movement:
- The satisfaction of mastering proper form in fundamental movements
- The confidence that comes from gradually increasing strength
- The pride in consistency through perimenopause’s ups and downs
- The community of women sharing similar journeys
- The discovery of what this body – the one you have right now – is capable of becoming
Your Invitation to Begin Again
If you’re ready to step out of the comparison trap and discover what’s possible in your current body, I offer two pathways designed specifically for women in perimenopause:
My 1:1 coaching program provides personalised guidance as you build a new relationship with strength training. We’ll start exactly where you are – comparisons, hesitations, and all – and create a progressive approach that builds confidence alongside physical strength.
For women who prefer a more self-guided approach, my Strength Essentials program offers accessible workouts designed specifically for perimenopausal bodies. You’ll learn how to move well, progress appropriately, and celebrate improvements that matter in your daily life.
Both options create space for you to discover what your body is capable of now, without the burden of comparison to who you used to be or what others are doing.
The Only Comparison That Matters
The truth is, there’s only one comparison that truly matters: the difference between how you feel today and how you could feel three months from now if you begin a consistent, appropriate strength practice.
Not how you felt at 30.
Not how your friend or sister feels.
Not how social media suggests you should feel.
Just the simple, profound difference between your current reality and what’s possible when you invest in your present self rather than chasing your past.
That difference – the one between today and your potential future – is entirely within your control to change.
Are you ready to discover what’s possible?
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